Assuming, it killed the cat.

What would you say your biggest weakness is? It's a common job interview question. "Oh jeeze, I just work too darn hard sometimes teehee."

I've figured mine out. I assume I know more than I do, and I'm usually pretty confident about that knowledge. It bites me in the ass and this time it bit me hard.

Here's another trait of mine, I try to deal with government agencies and representatives as little as possible. I'll pay good money to have somebody else deal with them. I feel this is a pretty common sentiment. So when it came to doing a background check I decided to find a Federal Credit Reporting Agency accredited background check company. A private company.

So when the state wouldn't authenticate the document I was flabbergasted. The main reason they gave me was that the document had federal information on it and they could not verify the results of federal stuff. They recommended I go walk into any police station to obtain a background check. So I did, they sent me to the Arizona Department of Public Safety (DPS). Here I would receive the thing I had been seeking, a state level background check, from officials at the state. 

At the DPS the lady behind the bulletproof glass was very helpful. She got me a number for the fingerprinting unit and let them know I was here to see them. After about a two minute wait they called me into a small room with fancy machines. 

Now, anyone here a CSI fan? Then you'll have a good picture in your head of who greeted me. She looked like a stereotypical supporting forensic investigator in a CSI type show. "The fingerprint lady". Like they really need to cast her. She had bobby cut pink hair. Pink glasses frames that match her hair. Several facial piercings but not overdone. A wrist tattoo, but you know she has more covered up. Clothing that was juuusssst professional enough. If the description seems very detailed that's because I literally couldn't believe my eyes. I kept expecting her to start spouting off random facts about fingerprints. "Did you know Koalas have fingerprints too?"

Anyway, we get to talking and I volunteer the information that I was using this to get a visa. CSI Pheonix told me that that was going to be a problem. You see, in the state of Arizona the fingerprints and background check provided by the DPS cannot be used for the purposes of employment, adoption, immigration, or obtaining a visa. It's a class 4 felony and you can go to jail. I thought she must not be serious but she showed me the official paper stating as such. I could, however, get a piece of paper notarized stating that I can't get a background check.

Welp, there's no two ways about it, looks like I'm going to have to get the one from the FBI. That's sure to work. It's from the highest law enforcement agency in the country! So a little research and find a company that will scan my fingerprints and send them to the FBI, superfast! I go to the place and pay the thing and take a deep breath and relax.

Two hours later I get an e-mail from my contract at the school in China. She tells me to not even bother getting FBI background check, seeing as the province she's in won't accept it.

At this point, I start checking my closets for Ashton Kutcher because now I know I'm being Punk'd.

Best laid plans

Here's where we're at this point in the story.

I have a signed letter of intent. Slated to arrive at the end of May. The paperwork I need. A medical exam (have you ever had syphilis, or plague?), a background check, a letter of recommendation from my current employer, TEFL certificate, my bachelor's degree, and passport. Photocopies of all and authentication of some. Authentication involves getting a certified original copy notarized, then taken to the office of the Secretary of State for a state authentication, then sending it all to the Chinese consulate for translation and authentication from the Chinese government. 

So the plan. I would sign up for and take a TEFL class online. In the meantime, I would gather all the required paperwork and when I had the TEFL certificate in hand I would go and get it all authenticated at once. I wanted to avoid making multiple trips and having multiple things out in the mail at different times. This way I could keep track of everything much easier. This was going to go swimmingly!

I also decide to err on the side of having too much paperwork. I got the most thorough background check money can buy so I'm all set there. What STDs do they want tested for? Just test me for all of them! What kind of plague? I don't know, the one that spreads easily? Oh that's all of them? DO IT UP! Poke me with the needles here we go!

One thing I'll never understand. When you go to get bloodwork done the person drawing the blood always asks, "Oh, do you not like needles?" What the fuck do you think? Who in the hell has ever been like, "Come on Doc! Surely we can get a bigger needle than that! Something the size of a turkey baster oughta do it."

Six weeks later and I've finished my TEFL course. So much of this process is hurry up and wait. Now I have all my documents. I need the TEFL certificate, the degree, and the background check authenticated. 

Find some notary at a UPS store and then take all documents to the State Capitol. Degree authenticated, TEFL certificate authenticated, background check... Denied. 

Who said this was going to be easy?

Scam alert

Forgive me father for my recollection may not be the best. I'll get you up to speed as best I can.

Number one rule in spotting a scam; if it seems too good to be true, it probably is. That's why I rolled my eyes when I talked to the recruiter. She definitely was overselling it. Get paid to travel. Experience a culture and a country through full immersion. Living abroad. Just a bachelor degree and a certificate. She asked when I graduated and I told her, she said she'd be in touch after I graduated. I forgot all about it.

So imagine my surprise when I received an e-mail two days after I graduated. I didn't respond at first. There was a tug inside me though. I've always been envious of those people, you know the ones. The people who spent a year in Singapore and two years in Argentina and a year and a half in Italy. I knew this about myself so rather than throwing caution to the wind I reined myself in. I was going to find people, on my own, who had worked with this company before. As always, my search started with Google.

I started my research with the assumption that this would be a scam. I did searches with titles like, "Adventure Teaching Scam" and "Teach abroad scam". I found plenty of scams, but the message boards I came across all had one theme in common. Adventure Teaching was a legit, if not the best, recruiting agency. The consensus was they were okay. I even found threads mentioning my recruiter by name.

I managed to track down three individuals on my own who had gone through the whole process and been hired. So probably not a scam.

It's funny, a part of me wanted it to be a scam. I could continue to grind down the path I was on, getting nowhere for years but staying in my comfort zone while telling myself I was making progress, but I would be betraying myself. When I upended my life five years ago I promised myself I would remain open to opportunity. I would live outside my comfort zone. I would hold myself accountable. I e-mailed my recruiter back.

The process after that was swift but thorough. I filled out several applications, went through three interviews and was offered a position teaching English in Zhangjiagang, China, in a little over a month. I now had less than six months to get my Teaching English as a Foreign Language (TEFL) certificate, get the paperwork necessary for obtaining a visa and all the authentications required, figure out what the hell to do with all my stuff, get a laptop and phone, figure out finances, and learn a bit of Mandarin to name a few.

Easy? Sure, people do this all the time...