Best laid plans

Here's where we're at this point in the story.

I have a signed letter of intent. Slated to arrive at the end of May. The paperwork I need. A medical exam (have you ever had syphilis, or plague?), a background check, a letter of recommendation from my current employer, TEFL certificate, my bachelor's degree, and passport. Photocopies of all and authentication of some. Authentication involves getting a certified original copy notarized, then taken to the office of the Secretary of State for a state authentication, then sending it all to the Chinese consulate for translation and authentication from the Chinese government. 

So the plan. I would sign up for and take a TEFL class online. In the meantime, I would gather all the required paperwork and when I had the TEFL certificate in hand I would go and get it all authenticated at once. I wanted to avoid making multiple trips and having multiple things out in the mail at different times. This way I could keep track of everything much easier. This was going to go swimmingly!

I also decide to err on the side of having too much paperwork. I got the most thorough background check money can buy so I'm all set there. What STDs do they want tested for? Just test me for all of them! What kind of plague? I don't know, the one that spreads easily? Oh that's all of them? DO IT UP! Poke me with the needles here we go!

One thing I'll never understand. When you go to get bloodwork done the person drawing the blood always asks, "Oh, do you not like needles?" What the fuck do you think? Who in the hell has ever been like, "Come on Doc! Surely we can get a bigger needle than that! Something the size of a turkey baster oughta do it."

Six weeks later and I've finished my TEFL course. So much of this process is hurry up and wait. Now I have all my documents. I need the TEFL certificate, the degree, and the background check authenticated. 

Find some notary at a UPS store and then take all documents to the State Capitol. Degree authenticated, TEFL certificate authenticated, background check... Denied. 

Who said this was going to be easy?